The pandemic has been hard on relationships. We can’t meet with friends as we’d like and there are so few activities we can do together. It’s often the same at home. Life has become predictable and, in some ways, a bit boring and monotonous.
We’re quarantining with family members and, as much as we love them, there’s only so much we can do that’s new and refreshing. The days blend together. What can be done to put some zip back into our friendships and relationships with loved ones? Here are a few recommendations:
Ten Tips for Having Great Relationships
1. Express appreciation
Express appreciation. Just come out and say it–” I really appreciate that you _____.” We all like to feel appreciated.
Each day thinks of a person you can thank and let them know. If you have a bit of time, send a letter of thanks to someone. A letter with a stamp—How old school! The recipient won’t simply enjoy it, they’ll cherish it.
2. Random acts of kindness
Random acts of kindness. Doing small things for one another can make an enormous difference. When you’ve received an unexpected gift, how did you feel?
If you’re out shopping, pick up their favorite donut or candy bar, leave a kind post-it note on the mirror, vacuum the floor of their car (something no one ever does, but everyone likes), or pick up a few flowers at the grocery store.
3. Physical Affection
Physical Affection. Give them an unexpected pat on the back, kiss on the cheek, or hug. Tell them you love them.
4. Hold off on criticism
Hold off on the criticism. It’s a powerful spice and you will want to use it sparingly. To be sure, if a friend or family member does something egregious, you’ll want to bring this to light and resolve it. These situations, though, typically are rare. Don’t let minor frustrations taint your relationships. Be solution-focused and encouraging when problems arise.
5. Build relaxed and enjoyable “free time”
Build relaxed and enjoyable “free time” into your routine with others. It’s easy to fall into a rut, doing the same things each day. Enjoy others company. Find pleasant activities you can do together.
Take out a pad of paper and make a list together, then try to do one each day. Many years ago Peter Lewinsohn developed a list of over 300 enjoyable activities, the Pleasant Events Schedule (you can find a copy online). Take a look. Is there anything on the list you could do together?
6. Offer affirmations, compliments, and support
Offer affirmations, compliments, and support. These are trying times. Let family and friends know that you have their back. There is a Swedish proverb, “Shared joy is doubled joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” Quite right.
7. Talk about meaningful issues and shared aspirations
Talk about meaningful issues and shared aspirations. During the pandemic it can be hard to develop a vision of a positive future, a post-COVID life. Like the Vladimir and Estragon in Waiting for Godot, we’re all waiting, waiting, waiting.
With this in mind, it can be helpful to develop a vision of a positive future. What would you like to be like as a person, and what would you like your life and relationships to be like, that is different and better than they are now?
Develop that positive vision and think about how you can bring it about. Talk with friends and family about their visions and aspirations. Move beyond small talk and think about the possibilities, a positive future.
8. Contact an old friend.
Contact an old friend. A number of years ago a friend of mine called me with an invitation. In his basement, he found our 1st-grade class picture. We hadn’t seen each other in decades, but he thought it might be fun to invite everyone in the photo to a party at his house. It was fabulous!
How do you feel when you hear from a friend you haven’t spoken with in years? It’s great! That’s what we are looking for here.
The Analects of Confucius begins, “Is there anything more wonderful than to hear from a friend from afar?” I’ve also seen this translated as, “When friends come from distant places, is this not joy?” Indeed. Is there anything more wonderful? Is this not joy? Reach out to an old friend.
9. Smile and “be a waver”
Smile and “be a waver”. This comes from, of all places, an article published many years ago in Cosmopolitan Magazine. The columnist suggested that, when meeting a stranger or a friend, one should be enthusiastic—Be a waver! Hmmm. I tried it. It works!
One can create a positive penumbra around yourself by expressing enthusiasm toward others. More recently, a study was completed at Purdue University where an experimenter smiled and nodded politely toward others while walking to class.
When asked, others who have passed the “smiling man” on the quadrangle felt better about themselves and their day. Interestingly, they were not aware of their brief interaction or why their mood had improved. A simple smile and nod are all it takes. With this in mind, create a positive space around yourself with friends and family. Show enthusiasm, “be a waver”.
10. Be patient and tolerant.
Be patient and tolerant. These are tough times. It’s worth acknowledging–The pandemic has had broad, negative effects on so many areas of our lives. It can be helpful, then, to keep the stresses and challenges of our lives in perspective.
Take the long view. Don’t magnify or catastrophize. Be patient and tolerant of friends and loved ones who are struggling. Along the same lines, a bit of self-acceptance goes a long way. Keep in mind what’s truly important.
It’s easy to become overwhelmed by details, by day-to-day challenges and responsibilities, and by dust-ups which occur during the pandemic. As such, try to keep in mind what’s near and what’s most important. Is it your children, spouse, or partner? An elderly parent? Your career? By being patient and present-focused, you’ll feel better. By sharing this attitude with friends and family, so will they.
Great Relationships – It’s Simple
A key to a happy life, even during a pandemic, is to nurture and sustain our friendships and relationships with loved ones. Simple acts of kindness, offering support, expressing appreciation, and engaging in enjoyable activities together can have a positive effect on our mood and on our relationships.
At the same time, look to the future and live in the present. As with growing a garden, there are no short cuts to developing close and enjoyable relationships. Both take time, patience, and diligence to cultivate. The steps, though, are simple. Give them a try.